Excuses,
excuses
Last issue we navigated into the highly dangerous waters of negotiating the
purchase of a (or another) motorcycle with your other half. Some of you may
have been divorced as a result. Look on the bright side, now you have more time
to read AMT and ride the bike - or both bikes, if you took my advice seriously.
This time around we'll take a look at some of the more popular and interesting
excuses for buying a motorcycle, and perhaps adding to the fleet.
1. It followed me home, can I keep it? Much will depend on how thick your spouse
really is, but this old chestnut has been known to work in cases where you've
managed to convince your partner that you have weird mystical powers. Some people
attract cats, you attract motorcycles. Simply, if rather high risk.
2. I'm keeping it for a friend: Well worn, but still surprisingly effective.
Ensure you can actually name the friend and have a back-up reason for why it's
in your shed and not theirs. It's best if you reveal they have an ogre of a
spouse who hates motorcycles with a passion (not hard to imagine) and perhaps
invent a tragic and untimely death for them at a later date. (You will, of course,
inherit the bike and it would be a slur on their memory to sell it.)
3. It's an investment: Otherwise known in our household as the wire-wheeled
Katana excuse, this endows your purchase with magical rarity and interest, which
you've been astute enough to spot before the rest of the market. In reality
the rotten thing's going to be equal in value to a six pack in a few years'
time.
4. It's newer and therefore safer than the old one: Not a bad one to try - talk
about improved handling and braking, but omit silly details like the fact it
has three times the horsepower and four times the appetite for tyres. We discovered
this gem after we ran out of brakes one day and clipped another motorcycle.
No damage, but it did convince the pale-as-a-ghost pillion that the "we
need more brakes" argument had merit.
5. But you'll be more comfortable on this one when you come on a long trip with
me, Dear: Might work, but make sure it really has a pillion seat.
6. But I haven't got a track bike/tourer/dirt bike/whatever: Worth a try, but
you need to be light on your verbal feet to shift the conversation from whether
you should have a motorcycle at all to whether you have the right types of bike.
7. Look on the bright side, I'm well-insured: Crank the life insurance up to
an even mil and then do what you like. Guaranteed to work if you're mostly on
grunting terms.
8. It's in exchange for a debt: This one has become surprisingly popular in
recent years, and has the bonus of giving you that shady and vaguely menacing
Arthur Daly/Barber of Seville aura. Unwise if your partner works for the tax
office.
9. It's cheaper than fixing the old one: So is buying a new Volvo, but let's
not get into that.
10. You get an engagement ring, so I get an engagement bike: This one, invented
by photographer Stuart Grant, is the first new one I've heard in a decade. It's
spectacular in its originality and is so far completely untried. Use it for
your second marriage and let us know how you got on.
We're too frightened to carry this on for another month, and will move on to
a new topic. ...
Guy "Guido" Allen
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