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Techno trousers
Is high-falutin’ technology a good thing? GUIDO plays crash test dummy to find out…
Having been to a couple of vehicle launches recently, first the BMW K 1300 series for MT, and then for the BMW-owned Mini Cooper S Cabrio on behalf of Unique Cars mag, I’m reaching techno overload.
You’ll get a hint of what I’m on about when you read this passage from my upcoming Mini review: “On the safety gadget front, this car comes nearly fully loaded with acronyms. The list includes ABS, dynamic stability control (DSC), cornering brake control (CBC) and electronic brake force distribution (EED). You can add dynamic traction control (DTC) for $300, or make up one of your own at no extra charge…”
Now before you scoff and mutter something along the lines of “bloody cars”, have a gecko at this list of acronyms from the recent K 1300 launch:
Electronic Suspension Adjustment (ESA II);
Automatic Stability Control (ASC);
Evolution brake system (EVO);
ABS.
Whether or not this technoid palette has any value has a lot to do with where you’re coming from. Attending the car launch as journo or crash test dummy (take your pick), you soon discover that, unlike motorcycle launches, the folk expect you to share a vehicle. Now think about this. You’re in some turbocharged monster with the same wheelbase as a skateboard, and being driven about by someone whose gene pool is a complete mystery. Who thinks they can drive fast.
Then muggins gets the wheel and, frankly, I couldn’t blame the freshly-minted passenger for wondering how many months ago my family left the trees.
That’s when you want every acronym and attached software the company can muster working for you. Plough your size 12 into a pedal (pick any one – there are three) and these things pretty much sort out the dramas by moderating brakes and throttle to individual wheels. If you still can’t get it right, there’s a pop-up roll bar. My advice is, if you hear an ominous “clunk” behind you in a 2009 Mini Cabrio, assume the crash position.
Back on two wheels, we are of course all rugged individuals. So we don’t need that stuff.
You can live without it on the track, however a short session on a snorting 1300 S also convinced me that having ABS on the way into MG (at Phillip Island) was pretty comforting as you crush the right handlever on an unfamiliar bike, as is traction control on the switch to off-camber exit that has (on a lovely VTR1000SP2) very nearly seen me highside.
Of course I’m being a complete hypocrite. One of my own toys, Hannibal the modded Hayabusa, with 209 horses at the back tyre, is the modern antithesis of that approach to motorcycling. It’s fuel injected, but that’s about as electronic as it gets. Nearly all the money spent on its development, post-factory, has been on shaving and shaping metal. Its performance was largely carved by a madman in a tin shed, rather than governed by software.
But when I was later chasing a few folk on the new 1300 GT on rapidly-changing road surfaces, I was very happy the electronics were in place. They didn’t inspire me to greater speed, but I could actually relax a little and concentrate on the job at hand, knowing there was a fair chance that something might help out if I misread the situation.
Keep in mind this was the ‘soft’ version of the three-bike series, with a mere 160 horses. We are in fact talking about a very, very fast set of motorcycles. (And, just quietly, some extra schnapps for the engineering department, please.)
Up till recently, I viewed much of this electronic stuff as the motorcycle equivalent of Wallace & Gromit’s The Wrong Trousers.
A couple of quick rides have changed that. It’s not Wrong Trousers so much as Techno Trousers.
(Motorcycle Trader mag, 217)
You’re always welcome to get in touch (and send counsellors) via the palatial MT offices at locked bag 12, Oakleigh 3166; Or on the wire at guy.allen@traderclassifieds.com.au.
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